Spike TV
by Acathala
Summary: Sunnydale High gets selected for a TV show. Set early S2
1. Spike TV Part 1

Spike TV

**Library**

(Giles is sitting, reading a book. He looks up as Buffy enters the library)

BUFFY

Hey Giles.

(She moves closer to him.)

GILES

Ah Buffy, how did last night's patrol go? Did our new friend Spike put in an appearance?

BUFFY 

Nope, the peroxide one was a no-show. It was pretty much a vamp free night. Though I did kill something furry.

GILES

Furry?

BUFFY

Y'know, like Chewbacca? From Star Wars?

GILES

I'm not unaware of popular culture.

BUFFY

(smiling) Your secret's safe with me.

GILES

(Checking watch) You're early today. Where are Xander and Willow for that matter?

BUFFY

(Shrugs) I didn't have a class this morning. Just thought I'd swing by. Will's helping Xander study.

(They stop talking as two strangers, who are obviously not students, enter the library. They start to examine the library with disinterest.)

FIRST GUY

I preferred the gym.

SECOND GUY

Yeah know what you mean. Too many books here.

BUFFY

Now there's a surprise, being a library and all.

(The two strangers turn and look at Buffy appraisingly. Giles gets up and moves forward.)

GILES

Can I help you?

FIRST GUY

We're alright buddy. (To Buffy) Say kid, how'd you like to be on TV?

BUFFY

Me? On TV? How?

SECOND GUY

We're filming a new quiz show live. We call it "Student Challenge"

FIRST GUY

There will be good prizes, plus your school gets money for hosting the contest.

BUFFY

Sure I'm in. What do I have to do?

FIRST GUY

Well the details will be up soon. Just say Rob picked ya and you'll be fine.

(The two men leave, having concluded their business)

BUFFY

Cool. I'm going to be on TV.

GILES

Are you sure that's such a good idea?

BUFFY

(Looking at him) Oh no I recognise that look. It's the Buffy can't have fun because she's the slayer face.

GILES

What if demonic activity was to occur during the programme? You would be forced to reveal your secret identity.

BUFFY

Giles let me tell you something about the average demon. Most of them are publicity shy. Cause they know that if the world woke up to them, they'd lose their cushy meal ticket. And… (Buffy pauses as if she remembers something) Oh god I got to run and cut, I mean cut and run. I promised Xander I'd rescue him from study.

(Buffy exits hurriedly while Giles watches)

GILES

If I thought it would stop her, I'd forbid her to go.

**School Canteen**

(We see the familiar threesome of Buffy, Willow and Xander sitting at a table)

XANDER

You're going to be on TV?

BUFFY

Yep.

XANDER

You're going to be on TV?

BUFFY

Why is that so difficult to believe?

XANDER

Sorry Buffster, it's just that we're not used to the networks showing an interest in anything other than the high teen death statistics. 

WILLOW

Sunnydale has the record for the USA.

XANDER

Now there's one record I'd like to lose.

CORDELIA (V.O.)

Apart from being a general loser you mean?

(The camera pans to include Cordelia and the Cordettes.)

XANDER

Cordelia. It's as good to see you as it ever is.

CORDELIA

Tres funny Harris. I just thought I'd let you take a look at the newest soon to be TV star.

XANDER

Yeah? Well take a number and get in line Cordy. Buffy's going on the programme.

CORDELIA

(To Buffy) You? On TV?

BUFFY

Uh huh.

CORDELIA

Well I suppose that Springer is proof they let anyone on TV.

XANDER

If you two have a cat-fight, I know who I'm betting on.

CORDELIA

Oh please, I have no intentions of fulfilling your sordid fantasies.

(She turns and walks out with her Cordettes)

XANDER

I have a fantasy she gets eaten alive by rats. Is that sordid?

WILLOW

No, just really disturbing.

XANDER

Thanks Will, disturbing in this town is kinda normal.

**Chinese Restaurant Kitchen**

(We see a Chinese waiter come in, he is obviously looking for someone. We also see a Chinese chef. This is not the person the waiter is looking for.)

CHINESE WAITER

Seen Jade?

CHINESE CHEF

No, why?

CHINESE WAITER

She hasn't taken table two's order out to them yet.

CHINESE CHEF

You know what Jade's like.

CHINESE WAITER

Yeah, the rich spoilt brat daughter of the restaurant owner. That kid needs a cold sharp shock.

**Car Boot **

(We see the Chinese girl, Jade, bound and gagged in a cramped space. She is very terrified. The view twists round to…

**The Car Inside**

We see Spike driving. He is also fiddling with the radio, unable to settle on one channel. He seems to be irritated by the music. He stops on one channel as it starts to play the Beatles' "Run For Your Life". Not unaware of the irony of some of the lyrics he lets it play. He starts to grin as he drives)

AUTHOR NOTES

Well here we go. Slightly experimental as I haven't written in script format before. Do tell me what you think so far.

The next instalment should hopefully be up by the end of the next week.

Acathala


	2. Spike TV Part 2

**Factory**

(In walks Spike with Jade on his shoulder. He carries her in a bit and places her down unusually gently.  She is still bound and gagged. Spike looks around a little.)

SPIKE

(Calling.) Dru! I got takeaway!

(Spike goes off in search of Drusilla. While he is away, another vamp enters the room. He eyes Jade hungrily and moves over to her.)

FIRST VAMP

Asian chicks always did do it for me.

(He goes to game- face and moves to pounce on her. But he suddenly stops and gets slammed against a wall. The camera pans to include an annoyed and vamped-out Spike.)

SPIKE

Don't you know it's bloody impolite to steal somebody else's dinner?

FIRST VAMP

I was hungry.

SPIKE

Yeah? Well get your own you lazy wanker.

(Spike slams the first vamp against the wall again and is about to repeat that action when…)

DRUSILLA (V.O.)

The moon and I wondered where you had got to Spike. He suggested that you were being unfaithful. I took an angry bite out of him for thinking such a notion.

(Drusilla walks into camera view, swaying slightly. She seems a little weaker than usual.)

SPIKE

(Goes back to human-face and turns to Drusilla.) Dru you know you're my one and only. I brought you something to eat. (Indicates Jade)

(Drusilla does not even look at Jade. First vamp takes this opportunity to vamoose.)

SPIKE

(Concerned now.) Come on Dru, just a bite even a nibble? For me? You have to eat love. It's been nearly a week now.

 DRUSILLA

Don't feel like it.

SPIKE

What is it? Is it the girl? Because I thought you liked the Chinese. The blood tasted lovely and light you said.

DRUSILLA

How can I eat when the Slayer will be in every house in the land?

SPIKE

Dru, as much as I appreciate your visions, it would be nice every now and then to get one that makes sense.

(Drusilla pouts angrily. Spike is instantly apologetic.)

SPIKE

I'm sorry Dru, it's just that you walk in a different world to us. It can be hard to follow you sometimes.

(Drusilla seems to be placated by this; as another vampire enters the room.)

SECOND VAMP

Spike!

SPIKE

What is it? Oh I don't care. Sod off.

SECOND VAMP

It's about the Slayer.

SPIKE

(Suddenly interested.) What about that annoying minx?

SECOND VAMP

Her school's hosting some TV show and she's in it.

SPIKE

And how did you garner that bit of info?

(Right on cue a Cordette walks in.)

CORDETTE

Hey! This isn't a party!

SPIKE

You're a cheerleader, aren't you?

CORDETTE

How'd you know that?

SPIKE

Call it an educated guess. (To Second Vamp.) Right well done; make sure you kill her properly. We're _not sharing eternity with some one who doesn't even qualify as a halfwit. _

CORDETTE

Hey! You take that back!

(Second Vamp goes to game-face. The Cordette sees this, screams and runs out. The Second Vamp pursues her.)

SPIKE

Well, well. The Slayer's getting her fifteen minutes. (Suddenly realises something.) Dru, that's what your vision meant! (Grins wickedly.) I'll have to make her TV debut memorable.

DRUSILLA

Spike will you set the night on fire?

SPIKE

A big bloody conflagration if that's what my baby wants.

DRUSILLA

Oh Spike, you say the loveliest things. I think I can manage something after all.

(She turns to Jade and moves towards her.)

**Library**

(Buffy, Willow and Xander enter the library. There does not appear to be any sign of Giles.)

BUFFY

(Calls) Giles?

(Giles emerges from behind a bookcase.)

GILES

Buffy.  I thought we were meeting later.

XANDER

Class cancelled due to spontaneous teacher combustion.

GILES

(Shocked)What happened?

WILLOW

Xander's just joking. Mr Lane was off sick.

XANDER

Human combustion never happens to the people you want it to.

(Giles ignores Xander and picks up a book that is lying open on a table. He shows it to Buffy.)

GILES

Is this the demon you fought two nights ago?

BUFFY

Yep, that's Chewbacca.

GILES

Are you sure, you only encountered the one? It says here that this particular demon hunts in pairs.

BUFFY

Only one on the kill counter.

GILES

Then you should be on the lookout for another.

BUFFY

I'll put it on my To Slay list. Anything else?

GILES

No, I believe our business is concluded.

XANDER

Great! I was expecting to have to do lots of research! (Off Giles' look) Not that _I don't like doing research. I mean it's vital and all…_

WILLOW

Xander, you're beginning to jabber. Come on I'll buy you something in the canteen.

(Xander and Willow leave, Buffy lingers a bit.)

BUFFY

Are you coming to watch tonight?

GILES

Ah yes your TV show. No, I'm doing… (Looks flustered for a minute.) Research. Yes that's it research.

BUFFY

(Suspicious) I was expecting a lecture on why I shouldn't go.

GILES

Would it make a difference?

BUFFY

Probably not.

GILES

Well enjoy yourself and good luck.

BUFFY

Bye Giles

(Buffy leaves. When she has gone, Jenny Calendar comes out from behind the bookcase Giles emerged from.)

JENNY

So we still on tonight?

GILES

Of course.

**School Corridor**

(Buffy catches up with Xander and Willow.)

XANDER

Giles cool with you taking part in the show?

BUFFY

Surprisingly so. I'm actually having second thoughts about it though.

WILLOW

Slayer spider sense tingling?

BUFFY

No, but…

XANDER

Then don't worry. Not _all extracurricular activities has fatalities. _

**Factory**

(We see Spike talking to a vampire

SPIKE

Get the boys, we're going National!

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Well first I want to say sorry for the delay, events conspired to stop me writing it before now. I'm not sure when the next bit will be up, but hopefully within the next couple of weeks. Please review!

Acathala


	3. Spike TV Part 3

**School Corridor**

(We see Buffy, Willow and Xander. walking along through a throng of students.)

XANDER

So ready for your big night?

BUFFY

Yeah, I guess.

WILLOW

Angel not coming?

BUFFY

No, I thought mom was coming so I told him not to. Then Mom has a last minute gallery thing and can't make it.

XANDER

(Under breath)Well I can see an upside.

BUFFY

What was that?

XANDER

Nothing.

CORDELIA (V/O)

It usually is.

(Cordelia walks in view.)

CORDELIA

(To Buffy) So ready for humiliation? And we're not just talking bout that outfit.

WILLOW

Cordelia, what's Radon?

CORDELIA

Isn't that washing up liquid?

XANDER

Not that _you've used it._

CORDELIA

Well I'm not the one who'll be washing dishes for a job. Well excuse me; I have a victory speech to practise.

(Cordelia walks off

XANDER

How about the next time she gets attacked by a demon we don't help?

WILLOW

Xander that's wrong. I mean we have to help the poor demon.

BUFFY

Damn right Will.

**Gym**

(The School gym has a large number of students in there, sitting on improvised benches. Willow and Xander are also sitting in the audience.  There are camera crews setting up in various places. We see Buffy, Cordelia and a couple of other contestants at a desk.  The director is speaking to them.)

DIRECTOR

Most important of all just relax. Enjoy the experience. Tonight is just about having some fun.

MAN (V/O)

Hey Joe, we need you over here!

DIRECTOR

(Smiles at the contestants) Well good luck and enjoy yourselves.

(The Director walks away just as Principal Snyder comes over.)

SNYDER

I suppose that you think this is fun do you? Well think again. If you do anything to disgrace Sunnydale High, you can expect a term's worth of detentions. Oh and Summers? If you do anything to mess this up, detention will be the least of your worries.

(He walks away)

BUFFY

There goes our supportive principal. I just hope he never has to talk someone down a building.

**Woods**

(A furry "Chewbacca" like demon can be seen to be howling, before moving on.)

**Gym – Later On**

(The place is set up. Everyone is quiet waiting for the show to begin. Suddenly some music starts. It's the intro to "The Riverboat Song". The host with his mike runs down to the end where the contestants are.)

TONY

I'm Tony Carrelli and this is School Chaaallenge! And give a round of applause for our contestants. Cordelia Chase! Buffy Summers! Milo Lake! Steve Katchke! 

(There is loud applause) On to our first round, this is where we ask a question in turn of each of our contestants.

_Angle on __Willow__ and Xander in the Audience_

WILLOW

I'm worried about Buffy. What if she doesn't get a single question right? People'll point and laugh at her. It's not her fault that she has to cut class cause of slayer duty. What if…

TONY (V/O)

Buffy Summers. How would you kill a vampire?

(Xander lies back and relaxes)

WILLOW

Oh.

_Angle normal_

(We see footage of the contestant being asked questions by Tony whilst some energetic music plays, possibly by Kula Shakur. Then…)

TONY

Cordelia, to draw level with Buffy, answer this question correctly. What is the capital of Sweden?

CORDELIA

Umm… It's Denmark. Denmark.

TONY

I'm sorry that's incorrect. Let's take a commercial break there.

_Fade out_

**Dressing Room**

(Tony is sitting at a dresser, looking at himself in a mirror. There is a knock at the door and Spike comes in Tony is very pleased to see him)

TONY

Well look at you. Aren't you just full of blond goodness? You _must be the relief boy. So good of my agent to send a good-looking one._

SPIKE

What?

TONY

Is it your first time? Oh this gets better and better.

SPIKE

(Makes an I've-worked-it-out-face.) I'm not your type.

TONY

Why you say that?

SPIKE

Take a look in the mirror. (Reaches over and smashes Tony through the mirror. He slumps back into the chair, his face a bloody mess. There is a knock at the door.)

MAKE-UP GUY

Mr Carrelli! Make-up. (Comes in.) Oh my GOD!

SPIKE

Not exactly. (Vamps out and grabs him.) Actually I'm feeling merciful. Convince me why I shouldn't kill you.

MAKE-UP GUY

(Panicked.) Unnn well if you're going on stage I could do your make-up…

(At that Spike leans in closer and whispers in the guy's ear)

SPIKE

Are you seriously suggesting that I wear MAKE-UP?

MAKE-UP GUY

Well you won't show up properly on screen if you don't.

(Spike seems to go through some internal crisis before making a decision.)

SPIKE

Oh alright then, but if you make me look like a poof, I'll rip your heart out.

**Gym**

(We see a group of people infiltrating the audience. Jade is amongst them.)

_Angle on __Willow__ and Xander in the Audience_

(Xander has spotted someone he knows.)

XANDER

Hey, Will. Isn't that Phil from Math?

WILLOW

Yeah, he's got a whole new look.

XANDER

Not surprising since he's supposed to be dead

WILLOW

Oh.

_Angle on Spike as he makes his big entrance_

(Spike walks on down, holding a mike, obviously enjoying the attention. As he walks on down we can see the infiltrators, including Jade, morphing vamp faces.)

SPIKE

This is Spike TV! I'll be your host for what remains of your lives. Feel free to scream because I like that. And course it makes great TV. 

_Angle on a grinning Spike's face and fade out._


	4. Spike TV Part 4

**Jenny's Living Room**

(We see Giles and Jenny snuggled up in the sitting room. Low lighting and romantic music. There is a TV in the corner, currently switched off.)

JENNY

This is nice isn't it?

GILES

Yes it is.

JENNY

Well I'm just going to slip into less clothes.

(Jenny gets up and leaves the room.)

GILES

I wonder how Buffy is faring?

(He walks over to the TV and switches it on. Footage of the previous scene comes on.)

GILES

Oh Spike is on TV.

JENNY (V/O)

Rupert!

GILES

Coming!

(He walks out the room. There is a beat before he runs back in.)

GILES

Sod.

(Jenny walks back in. She is scantily-clad.)

JENNY

What's wrong? (Sees the TV) Oh.

GILES

Right my car's outside. If we hurry we can get there and get some of the students out.

JENNY

Couple of problems with that. If we take your car, we won't get there before they kill everyone. Plus, as I'm sure your keen British senses has picked up, I'm only in my lingerie.

GILES

Yes I did notice that. I'm English not blind.

**Gym**

(The camera pans round. We see the audience, which also includes Xander, Willow, Jade and some vampires in game face. The human quotient of the audience is obviously terrified. Camera continues its pan around to Spike, Buffy, Cordelia and the two male contestants. It settles on them.)

SPIKE

And now on Kill per view, me doing in the slayer.

BUFFY

Spike let the people go. They have nothing to do with this.

SPIKE

Not bloody likely love. They're the finale. Everyone knows you have to have a mass slaughter as the finale. Don't you watch the TV?

BUFFY

Every time I think I can't detest you more, you just prove me wrong.

SPIKE

I'm crushed. (Grins) Nah couldn't keep a straight face there. By the way, is that boyfriend of yours around? I quite fancy making him watch me kill you.

BUFFY

He'll just be laughing at you getting your ass kicked. Again.

SPIKE

Yeah? Well we'll see if you're so cocky after I rip your heart out.

(Spike throws a punch at Buffy and floors her)

SPIKE

(To the camera)This is for you baby! (To Buffy) Aren't I rock and roll today.

(Buffy gets up and they start fighting)

**Factory**

(We see Drusilla watching the TV with her dolls. Cheering Spike and hissing Buffy at appropriate junctures.)

**Studio**

(We see the Director with two technicians. They are watching the events in the gym on their screens.)

DIRECTOR

Oh god.

(A couple of policemen come in.)

POLICEMAN

By order of the Mayor, this transmission ends now.

DIRECTOR

The public have a right to know what's going down in that school.

POLICEMAN

Let's put it another way. Have you heard of police brutality?

DIRECTOR

Mike, turn it off.

TECHICIAN

Way ahead of you boss.

**Factory**

(We see Drusilla pretty much as she was in her last scene. The picture on her TV blinks out and she gets furious. She picks up one her dolls and throws it at the TV. )

_Angle on the smashed doll and TV_

_Angle on Drusilla_

DRUSILLA

(Sadly) Poor Lady Macbeth, I did tell her too much television was bad for you. 


End file.
